Time and time again I find myself going over my options wondering what on earth I'm supposed to do with myself. As it stands currently I'm venturing mostly into a life of agriculture and gardening, which I do genuinely enjoy, but I would be lying if I were to say it were an incredibly profitable way of living life. I'm beginning to realize that there's a bit of a paradoxical relationship between my life goals. One part of me wants to create content for people to watch and enjoy, another wants to live a completely sustainable life growing my own food and living near self sufficiency, and there are countless other sects of my ambition dedicated to some of the most niche and difficult professions I could ever dream of entering, each sect requiring an ungodly amount of passion, time, and money. As it currently stands, my passion for these is near limitless, my time significantly less so, and my money practically nonexistant compared to the others. I want to be a writer, a poet, a teacher even, yet I also yearn to train my skills in martial arts, drawing and illustration, woodworking, design of all sorts, and countless other trades that take decades to master even one. I acknowledge that I probably won't be able to do it all, and, unfortunate as it is, I'm alright with that. What I'm not alright with, however, is being at such a disadvantage in accomplishing these goals of mine compared to others of seemingly less passion or capability. Of course I can't tell how passionate or capable someone is at something, but I see people arround me going to college, some not having to pay a single dollar for it, and throwing it all away because they don't feel like going in to class that day. Not to say that everyone is throwing their college out of the window, but I see it happen often enough to notice. My opinion on secondary education and universities in general is a very complicated one to say the least, and would need to be explained further in an entirely separate post, but I can at least say for certain that I would not waste an opportunity of such value. As for now though, I suppose all I can do is keep going. Like a canoe stuck in a strong current, there's no reason for me to try and find any particular path through, I'll end up at the bottom no matter what. The best I can do is now to enjoy the days as they come, make the right decisions when they're needed, and hold on to the good relationships I have now, possibly even making more in the future.

Posted on March 15, 2023