Holy shit I'm about to go berserk. I just spent like an hour writing up an entire post and my browser froze so I lost all of my progress. This is the second time in a row that this has happened (probably because I goofed up my Arch installation somewhere along the way) so I've just started writing all of these in vim and then uploading them when I'm done, that way I can write them even with no internet! (Which you'd think I would've considered sooner) Anyway though, I guess most of the stuff I had written before wasn't all that important anyway. Today sucked, but that's about it. Been feeling really discouraged about school lately, I feel like I'm trapped in a car that's been driven into a lake and all the doors are locked. Sometimes I fantasize about disappearing into the forest. I'll just pack up as much camping gear and food as I can and then disappear into a national park or something for a couple weeks until maybe people start to look for me, and then I'll come back. One part of me wants to do it just to escape everything for a bit, btu the other part wants to do it to spite everyone that would miss me. I know it sounds like an awful thing, but people only ever appreciate you after they feel like they've lost you, so it'd be a good way to get people to appreciate me a bit more. Or maybe that's just the kind of stuff your brain conjures up after being isolated for such a long time. I can't really go into the specifics, maybe I will someday and I'll just password protect those entries ;) I had a link to a Slipknot song I was listening to in the post that got deleted, but I don't wanna crash my browser again by looking up the most simple search imagineable, so I'll just say that if you've never listened to Slipknot before, you should.

In other news though, I got paid today so I bought myself a little CD player since I never really buy myself anything other than food. I'll probably still get shit for it, but I don't care because I like it. I've been reading and watching a lot of stuff on what it means to "be a man" in this society, and I really wish I had the guts to. I see guys out here who have the courage to say whatever's on their mind, and if the people around them dislike it they can get fucked. I want that mentality. I want to be able to firmly say NO to something and not be persuaded out of it. I want people to listen to me when I say something, I want to be taken seriously. I think that's what it is most of all though, being a man means that you can say something with such certainty and firmness that people will take you seriously when you say it. Throughout the entirety of my life I don't feel like I've ever been taken seriously, and it's really getting to me now. I won't go too far into that though, I have to keep reminding myself that these are publicly accessible and that it's not just some private diary entry that no one will read, although I doubt somebody would ever read all of these.