December 19th, 2025
3:55pm

I'll never understand how someone could just throw away five years of their life spent with someone like it's nothing. Every single day we spent with each other. We did everything together. We essentially grew up together, but apparently none of that means anything. None of it ever meant anything I suppose. And even at the end the only courtesy I was given was a lie, something to get me to accept the terms of our new arrangement, to get me to leave willingly. How someone can do that to another person, I'll never know.

Some days I miss her, some days I hate her, but the worst part of it all is that I can't do a single thing about it. She hates me for some reason, and there's nothing that I could ever do or say to win her back. The course of my life is forever changed, and I will never trust another woman.

And even still, some nights I'm reminded of those five years we spent together, and if she were to text me right then and apologize, I'd fall for her all over again. I know that won't happen though, so I'll just keep hating her.

October 30th, 2025
7:39pm

I'm currently listening to some At the Drive-In, highly recommend if you don't know them.

Man, life has been pretty hectic this past month, or honestly these past few months. This past Sunday I went to church alone for the first time in my adult life. I'll be honest, it was a great experience, and I plan on going back this Sunday, but boy was it stressful. I don't know anyone there, so it's naturally a bit uncomfortable at first, but I like to view it this way: the anxiety I feel from being there is Satan losing his hold over me, and desperately trying to regain it by making me want to leave. It's for that reason though, that I'm going to stick with it. I want to become a member of the Greek Orthodox Church.

This all is the result of about three or so years of spiritual exploration, but I'd say the catalyst to this is my girlfriend of five years breaking up with me. I've never experienced something like that before, but the closest thing I can compare it to is an actual death. It hurt more than the death of my childhood dog, but I'm finally getting over it, mainly thanks to God, my friends, and my family. I wish her the best, even if she doesn't the same for me. For a little bit I thought that maybe I could try dating other girls, but I quickly realized that was the wrong path to go down, so I've accepted that I'm just going to be alone for a while.

To look on the bright side though, I can finally put all of my focus and effort on my own future. Although honestly I've begun to realize these past few years that dedicating yourself to your own interests is probably the worst decision you can possibly make. It brings to mind all of the poor 50/60-something women that will never have a family because they prioritized college and their careers for their entire lives, and now they're old and cynical and bitter... and forever alone. I pray to God every day that he will someday bless me with a beautiful woman that I can love and dedicate my life to. I thought he already had, but I suppose God saw that I wasn't ready, and took this opportunity to strengthen me. I'm still not ready yet, but I will be when the time comes. And when that time does come, I will seize that opportunity without hesitation.

More is lost by indecision than by wrong decision.